I wrote that Anger Management post Tuesday because not having specific therapy designed for pedophile priest victims leaves me perplexed. I go to Anger Management group therapy for help and then can't open up, can't say exactly what it is that brings me there seeking help, because I'm surrounded by people that I know won't get it in my 20 second share- or as soon as I say molested by priest as kid, the men in the group are all goign to look at me different knowing that means I must have been a slut. Whether or not that is true, it is still what happens in my head as I sit in my Anger Management group.
The point is, why isn't there a place We can go to like the pedophile priests get sent, where they can stay as long as they need to be there.
Why don't the victims of those priests have anywhere near that much help?Where is my Servants of the Paraclete Spa?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You Know you are in trouble when you leave Anger Management angrier than when you arrived
.
Not at anyone or anything,
Just flabbergasted trying to explain the anger I have as a pedophile priest rape victim, without telling the Anger Management group details, because I have yet to tell anyone else in the room that's why I'm angry. I don't feel like I can just bring up pedophile priests with people, it will only make them react.
People always react to this topic. You can always feel a change in the room, rising tension, once you spill these beans, anywhere.
Even group therapy.
That's why we need Recovery Centers for pedophile priest rape victims. We need retreats like the pedophile priest treatment places, where we can go- for weeks, months, even years- to get treatment and healing. Right now there are perpetrator priests in recovery centers all over the country, with full-time support in peaceful surroundings, such as along the California coast in Santa Cruz.
Why isn't there at least a fraction that much treatment available for the priests' crime victims?
Instead we have to piece together help where we can get it.
So in Anger Management at Hope Again today we are talking about forgiveness and I'm trying to explain: When the thing you are angry about will not change, at some point you have to go past trying to forgive and instead find ways to laugh at the thing, because it is never going to respond in a decent way.
EVERYONE chimed in, "No, that's wrong, You are wrong," at me. It's not the Christian thing, they all said, you have to forgive everyone. I was all the way home before I realized the problem here.
I forgave Father Thomas Barry Horne for sexualizing me and my sister, and God knows how many other little kids. I forgave Father Horne years ago, back in 2006, I even wrote about it, posted it somewhere, and it was spiritually a turning point to forgive him.
That doesn't mean I can't still call him Father Horne-y.
I forgive Father Horne (pictured right at yet another party) because I realize he probably was pretty oppressed sexually as a young man, becoming a priest in the late 1930s. He probably didn't even ever want to be a priest. He was a sexy guy, womanizer, a heavy drinker; he probly should have been selling insurance or something, not hearing Confessions. But he was stuck in that priest role, so he drank, spent a lot of time at the country club with those Sodality gals, and took advantage of his position to get his pleasures where he could.
A recent emailer shared he knew Father Horne after he retired. He was inebriated most of the time until he died...
FATHER HORNE is not the entity with which I feel anger. It's the Catholic Church. Bishops, in this Case Cardinal Stritch of Chicago, are still beloved and revered by Catholics, just because they are bishops. I think Stitch knew that Fr. Horne was a perpetrator, so stuck him in the little rural town of Bartlett, literally a whistle stop town on the railroad to Elgin, in 1949, to start a church named after St. Peter Damian.
We know now how the bishops operated in the 1950s-60s. We saw it in the California cases in 2003, and earlier. They put perp priests in Riverside and San Diego and when those towns got to be too big, moved the perps to Santa Barbara. The bishops were the real criminals here, who picked up perpetrator priests and put them in rural parishes where they could continue to perpetrate and no one would say anything, as was the case in rural America up to the 1960s or so, when the advent of Freudian psychology got people talking about sex.
I don't think I have to forgive an entity in the same way you forgive a human, in order to heal. Because the Catholic Church is a non-human thing. The corporations that make up each Archdiocese and their little robe and diamond-gold cross wearing CEO bishops, these are not human beings worthy of forgiveness, these are corporations more concerned with maintaining their cash flow than anything like reconciliation.
Like any corporation, more concerned with covering up the crimes, still to this day, than helping the victims. If I believed the Catholic Church had opened its files and admitted all its crimes, and made restitution with all the victims, maybe I would be ready to talk about forgiveness.
But instead I see fake holy men, with the audacity to argue legally that a religion is an excuse to get away with crimes. The bishops and their lawyers tell courts they don't have to open their files or let prosecutors investigate how they handled their pedophile priests because of the 1st Amendment, their right to freedom of religion?
Add that bonus for Catholics, the priest-penitent privilege, no bishop can EVER tell what they knew, it would anger God himself.... as He created this religion with the priest-penitent privilege.
NO WONDER I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!
If a religion includes the need to keep the rape of children secret, it is not what the 1st Amendment was created to protect.
The 1st Amendment does not mean felonies are okay, as long as they are going on in a religious institution, but that is what these bishops and their teams of corporate lawyers have convinced judges and high courts to agree to in rulings.
No. I will not forgive them, and I will make fun of them and laugh at them and point out what hypocrites they are every opportunity I get. It's why I'm here, why I have this twisted sense of humor along with these writing skills, plus the fact that I'm a one of the victims and I'm sick and really can't do much more than clack away at these laptop keys and keep writing.
MOST FRUSTRATING is how truly badly deeply we need Recovery Centers set up specifically for the victims of Catholic pedophile priests. Recovery from these crimes is too complicated and controversial for me to just talk openly about what I'm going through in an open group support meeting.
If I made my Anger Management group that angry suggesting humor in place of forgiveness, when forgiveness is not possible...?
Maybe the group would understand if I told them it was the Catholic bishops who let priests rape me and a hundred thousand other children that I'm refusing to forgive and at whom I'd rather laugh. But I can't talk openly about it in Group unless it's a Group of Catholic priest rape victims. That's how I feel.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's start a natiowide network of support and hold regular meetings.
Don't get me started... here is what they handed out today and...
I need to talk about IT and I can't talk about IT unless there are people around who understand IT!!!
So while the perp priests have now been moved out of parishes and into protective environments- in retreat settings with idyllic views, maid service, and catered meals- one of their crime victimes, ME, is scrabbling around free clinics and nonprofit Christian counseling centers, trying to eke out the help and support that a real church would have gone out of its way to provide its crime victims long ago.
This is all so frigging complicated...
Not at anyone or anything,
Just flabbergasted trying to explain the anger I have as a pedophile priest rape victim, without telling the Anger Management group details, because I have yet to tell anyone else in the room that's why I'm angry. I don't feel like I can just bring up pedophile priests with people, it will only make them react.
People always react to this topic. You can always feel a change in the room, rising tension, once you spill these beans, anywhere.
Even group therapy.
That's why we need Recovery Centers for pedophile priest rape victims. We need retreats like the pedophile priest treatment places, where we can go- for weeks, months, even years- to get treatment and healing. Right now there are perpetrator priests in recovery centers all over the country, with full-time support in peaceful surroundings, such as along the California coast in Santa Cruz.
Why isn't there at least a fraction that much treatment available for the priests' crime victims?
Instead we have to piece together help where we can get it.
So in Anger Management at Hope Again today we are talking about forgiveness and I'm trying to explain: When the thing you are angry about will not change, at some point you have to go past trying to forgive and instead find ways to laugh at the thing, because it is never going to respond in a decent way.
EVERYONE chimed in, "No, that's wrong, You are wrong," at me. It's not the Christian thing, they all said, you have to forgive everyone. I was all the way home before I realized the problem here.
I forgave Father Thomas Barry Horne for sexualizing me and my sister, and God knows how many other little kids. I forgave Father Horne years ago, back in 2006, I even wrote about it, posted it somewhere, and it was spiritually a turning point to forgive him.
That doesn't mean I can't still call him Father Horne-y.
I forgive Father Horne (pictured right at yet another party) because I realize he probably was pretty oppressed sexually as a young man, becoming a priest in the late 1930s. He probably didn't even ever want to be a priest. He was a sexy guy, womanizer, a heavy drinker; he probly should have been selling insurance or something, not hearing Confessions. But he was stuck in that priest role, so he drank, spent a lot of time at the country club with those Sodality gals, and took advantage of his position to get his pleasures where he could.A recent emailer shared he knew Father Horne after he retired. He was inebriated most of the time until he died...
FATHER HORNE is not the entity with which I feel anger. It's the Catholic Church. Bishops, in this Case Cardinal Stritch of Chicago, are still beloved and revered by Catholics, just because they are bishops. I think Stitch knew that Fr. Horne was a perpetrator, so stuck him in the little rural town of Bartlett, literally a whistle stop town on the railroad to Elgin, in 1949, to start a church named after St. Peter Damian.
We know now how the bishops operated in the 1950s-60s. We saw it in the California cases in 2003, and earlier. They put perp priests in Riverside and San Diego and when those towns got to be too big, moved the perps to Santa Barbara. The bishops were the real criminals here, who picked up perpetrator priests and put them in rural parishes where they could continue to perpetrate and no one would say anything, as was the case in rural America up to the 1960s or so, when the advent of Freudian psychology got people talking about sex.
I don't think I have to forgive an entity in the same way you forgive a human, in order to heal. Because the Catholic Church is a non-human thing. The corporations that make up each Archdiocese and their little robe and diamond-gold cross wearing CEO bishops, these are not human beings worthy of forgiveness, these are corporations more concerned with maintaining their cash flow than anything like reconciliation.
Like any corporation, more concerned with covering up the crimes, still to this day, than helping the victims. If I believed the Catholic Church had opened its files and admitted all its crimes, and made restitution with all the victims, maybe I would be ready to talk about forgiveness.
But instead I see fake holy men, with the audacity to argue legally that a religion is an excuse to get away with crimes. The bishops and their lawyers tell courts they don't have to open their files or let prosecutors investigate how they handled their pedophile priests because of the 1st Amendment, their right to freedom of religion?
Add that bonus for Catholics, the priest-penitent privilege, no bishop can EVER tell what they knew, it would anger God himself.... as He created this religion with the priest-penitent privilege.
NO WONDER I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!
If a religion includes the need to keep the rape of children secret, it is not what the 1st Amendment was created to protect.
The 1st Amendment does not mean felonies are okay, as long as they are going on in a religious institution, but that is what these bishops and their teams of corporate lawyers have convinced judges and high courts to agree to in rulings.
No. I will not forgive them, and I will make fun of them and laugh at them and point out what hypocrites they are every opportunity I get. It's why I'm here, why I have this twisted sense of humor along with these writing skills, plus the fact that I'm a one of the victims and I'm sick and really can't do much more than clack away at these laptop keys and keep writing.
MOST FRUSTRATING is how truly badly deeply we need Recovery Centers set up specifically for the victims of Catholic pedophile priests. Recovery from these crimes is too complicated and controversial for me to just talk openly about what I'm going through in an open group support meeting.
If I made my Anger Management group that angry suggesting humor in place of forgiveness, when forgiveness is not possible...?
Maybe the group would understand if I told them it was the Catholic bishops who let priests rape me and a hundred thousand other children that I'm refusing to forgive and at whom I'd rather laugh. But I can't talk openly about it in Group unless it's a Group of Catholic priest rape victims. That's how I feel.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's start a natiowide network of support and hold regular meetings.
Don't get me started... here is what they handed out today and...
I need to talk about IT and I can't talk about IT unless there are people around who understand IT!!!
So while the perp priests have now been moved out of parishes and into protective environments- in retreat settings with idyllic views, maid service, and catered meals- one of their crime victimes, ME, is scrabbling around free clinics and nonprofit Christian counseling centers, trying to eke out the help and support that a real church would have gone out of its way to provide its crime victims long ago.
This is all so frigging complicated...
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
STEP AWAY So You Can See More Clearly
.
Amazing How Stories Take Form in My Head Before They Even Happen.
At Anger Management at Hope Again today, the theme seemed to be:
STEP AWAY
So You Can See More Clearly
(I really needed to hear all of this today):
“Anger Used in the Right Way can be productive,” Pastor Ron said opening the session, and I was glad to hear that, because there’s no way I can just walk away from these crimes and start writing about something else. Writing about pedophile priests is now in my DNA. I’ve tried now about a hundred times to get away from the subject matter. I’ll see a news story or a fellow-crime victim friend will call, and the impulse to write about the crimes will come back. I'm already feeling tinges to start writing blog posts again after summer hiatus, as the fall approaches.
And anger, a justified anger is at the source of this drive to keep writing.
Ron said, something like, In the end you are best off using your time, your skills, and your handiwork to put the anger to work.
And do it right.
But if the wounds are deep- and in me, believe me, they are deep- the wounds can and probably will determine the rest of your life. When you think you are over your anger issue, it creeps back in.
Boy do I know what that's like.
Ron said, "You have to get the thing that makes you angry out there, talk about it, in order for healing to begin." (Photo found on Google images for AM, not Ron.)
The woman from Africa said, sometimes her anger arises from having expectations that don’t get fulfilled.
Boy do I know what that's like.
I had expectations of at least getting a small settlement from the Catholic Church while they were giving them out, but seems the Illinois State Supreme Court sided with the Chicago Archdiocese lobbyists and threw out any lawsuits that dated back more than forty years in that state. I've shared here before, the way that decision seems to have left me permanently in oppressive poverty has a lot to do with why I'm angry a lot.
And I mean, how stupid is that? It's only money.
Still.
In Anger Management today, as more people started sharing about their lives, and this one guy from East L.A. was going on that how he, "don't hang with them people no more,” I let myself drift into
A Daydream.
I’ll come home today and find an email saying, Church Settles Ebeling Case and I’ll finally be able to buy a condo.
I'm daydreaming that Cardinal Francis George of Chicago has been reading my blog and decided to make an exception in my case, forget the state high court deciding in the Church’s favor last September. The archdiocese is still going to settle with the Ebeling sisters, even if by law they don't have to.
Including a scholarship for my daughter.
And maybe a Roman shopping spree.
“The ABC’s of Anger,” Ron says with a lot of glottis shock so I'm abruptly back in the little room on Sunset Boulevard at Hope Again in Anger Management class again.
“A, you admit you're angry.” I write down, A=Admit.
“B, back off, step back until you can get body and soul together. C, Confess. And by confess, I mean resolve the issue.
“Then D, open a dialogue with the person or institution with which you are angry.”
I write down "D=Dialogue" and then shake my head, No, No, No.
One thing I doubt I’ll ever see with the Chicago Archdiocese is a Dialogue.
I scratch out Dialogue and write instead:
“D-Daydream.”
Then I'm back thinking about that condo I’ll buy, just two city blocks north of where I live now the neighborhood is totally different, wonderful, clean, on a whole different transit line… no human feces in the sidewalk cracks.
Once the Chicago Archdiocese admits that what they allowed to happen to me and my sister at the hands of Father Horne-y turned two intelligent, potentially successful females into aging nymphomaniacs doomed to be part of a population of older women in poverty in America in the next decades, they'll realize we just don't deserve it, we don't deserve it. And settle with us even though our case is more than 40 years old, so they think by law they don't have to...
D is for Daydream.
**********
The class ended with many forms of various maxims that pop up inevitably in Anger Management. Someone said, “You can feel peace and satisfaction, knowing they know what they did.” Someone mentioned Luke 16, I think it is, where Jesus says the stingy rich and powerful will call out to us from Hell asking us to give them at least a sip of water and we'll say sorry, can't reach you from here.
Ha ha, see, I have eternity to daydream about.
Another maxim that popped up and I wrote down: "Take responsibility for your part in what happened."
Only part I have in the whole pedophile epidemic in the Catholic Church is my insatiable need to write down everything that happened.
Gotta find a way to make writing on this subject something more positive.
Or at least funnier...
Start by making it all fiction, even make up the religion, with its ancient headquarters in ... where?
How about St. Louis?
***
By Kay Ebeling
East Hollywood California
Cartoon below found on Google Images
Amazing How Stories Take Form in My Head Before They Even Happen.
At Anger Management at Hope Again today, the theme seemed to be:
STEP AWAY
So You Can See More Clearly
(I really needed to hear all of this today):
“Anger Used in the Right Way can be productive,” Pastor Ron said opening the session, and I was glad to hear that, because there’s no way I can just walk away from these crimes and start writing about something else. Writing about pedophile priests is now in my DNA. I’ve tried now about a hundred times to get away from the subject matter. I’ll see a news story or a fellow-crime victim friend will call, and the impulse to write about the crimes will come back. I'm already feeling tinges to start writing blog posts again after summer hiatus, as the fall approaches.
And anger, a justified anger is at the source of this drive to keep writing.
Ron said, something like, In the end you are best off using your time, your skills, and your handiwork to put the anger to work.
And do it right.
But if the wounds are deep- and in me, believe me, they are deep- the wounds can and probably will determine the rest of your life. When you think you are over your anger issue, it creeps back in.
Boy do I know what that's like.
Ron said, "You have to get the thing that makes you angry out there, talk about it, in order for healing to begin." (Photo found on Google images for AM, not Ron.)
The woman from Africa said, sometimes her anger arises from having expectations that don’t get fulfilled.
Boy do I know what that's like.
I had expectations of at least getting a small settlement from the Catholic Church while they were giving them out, but seems the Illinois State Supreme Court sided with the Chicago Archdiocese lobbyists and threw out any lawsuits that dated back more than forty years in that state. I've shared here before, the way that decision seems to have left me permanently in oppressive poverty has a lot to do with why I'm angry a lot.
And I mean, how stupid is that? It's only money.
Still.
In Anger Management today, as more people started sharing about their lives, and this one guy from East L.A. was going on that how he, "don't hang with them people no more,” I let myself drift into
A Daydream.
I’ll come home today and find an email saying, Church Settles Ebeling Case and I’ll finally be able to buy a condo.
I'm daydreaming that Cardinal Francis George of Chicago has been reading my blog and decided to make an exception in my case, forget the state high court deciding in the Church’s favor last September. The archdiocese is still going to settle with the Ebeling sisters, even if by law they don't have to.
Including a scholarship for my daughter.
And maybe a Roman shopping spree.
“The ABC’s of Anger,” Ron says with a lot of glottis shock so I'm abruptly back in the little room on Sunset Boulevard at Hope Again in Anger Management class again.
“A, you admit you're angry.” I write down, A=Admit.
“B, back off, step back until you can get body and soul together. C, Confess. And by confess, I mean resolve the issue.
“Then D, open a dialogue with the person or institution with which you are angry.”
I write down "D=Dialogue" and then shake my head, No, No, No.
One thing I doubt I’ll ever see with the Chicago Archdiocese is a Dialogue.
I scratch out Dialogue and write instead:
“D-Daydream.”
Then I'm back thinking about that condo I’ll buy, just two city blocks north of where I live now the neighborhood is totally different, wonderful, clean, on a whole different transit line… no human feces in the sidewalk cracks.
Once the Chicago Archdiocese admits that what they allowed to happen to me and my sister at the hands of Father Horne-y turned two intelligent, potentially successful females into aging nymphomaniacs doomed to be part of a population of older women in poverty in America in the next decades, they'll realize we just don't deserve it, we don't deserve it. And settle with us even though our case is more than 40 years old, so they think by law they don't have to...
D is for Daydream.
**********
The class ended with many forms of various maxims that pop up inevitably in Anger Management. Someone said, “You can feel peace and satisfaction, knowing they know what they did.” Someone mentioned Luke 16, I think it is, where Jesus says the stingy rich and powerful will call out to us from Hell asking us to give them at least a sip of water and we'll say sorry, can't reach you from here.
Ha ha, see, I have eternity to daydream about.
Another maxim that popped up and I wrote down: "Take responsibility for your part in what happened."
Only part I have in the whole pedophile epidemic in the Catholic Church is my insatiable need to write down everything that happened.
Gotta find a way to make writing on this subject something more positive.
Or at least funnier...
Start by making it all fiction, even make up the religion, with its ancient headquarters in ... where?
How about St. Louis?
***
By Kay Ebeling
East Hollywood California
Cartoon below found on Google Images
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