Tuesday, August 17, 2010

You Know you are in trouble when you leave Anger Management angrier than when you arrived

Not at anyone or anything,

Just flabbergasted trying to explain the anger I have as a pedophile priest rape victim, without telling the Anger Management group details, because I have yet to tell anyone else in the room that's why I'm angry. I don't feel like I can just bring up pedophile priests with people, it will only make them react.

People always react to this topic. You can always feel a change in the room, rising tension, once you spill these beans, anywhere.

Even group therapy.

That's why we need Recovery Centers for pedophile priest rape victims. We need retreats like the pedophile priest treatment places, where we can go- for weeks, months, even years- to get treatment and healing. Right now there are perpetrator priests in recovery centers all over the country, with full-time support in peaceful surroundings, such as along the California coast in Santa Cruz.

Why isn't there at least a fraction that much treatment available for the priests' crime victims?

Instead we have to piece together help where we can get it.

So in Anger Management at Hope Again today we are talking about forgiveness and I'm trying to explain: When the thing you are angry about will not change, at some point you have to go past trying to forgive and instead find ways to laugh at the thing, because it is never going to respond in a decent way.

EVERYONE chimed in, "No, that's wrong, You are wrong," at me. It's not the Christian thing, they all said, you have to forgive everyone. I was all the way home before I realized the problem here.

I forgave Father Thomas Barry Horne for sexualizing me and my sister, and God knows how many other little kids. I forgave Father Horne years ago, back in 2006, I even wrote about it, posted it somewhere, and it was spiritually a turning point to forgive him.

That doesn't mean I can't still call him Father Horne-y.

I forgive Father Horne (pictured right at yet another party) because I realize he probably was pretty oppressed sexually as a young man, becoming a priest in the late 1930s. He probably didn't even ever want to be a priest. He was a sexy guy, womanizer, a heavy drinker; he probly should have been selling insurance or something, not hearing Confessions. But he was stuck in that priest role, so he drank, spent a lot of time at the country club with those Sodality gals, and took advantage of his position to get his pleasures where he could.

A recent emailer shared he knew Father Horne after he retired. He was inebriated most of the time until he died...

FATHER HORNE is not the entity with which I feel anger. It's the Catholic Church. Bishops, in this Case Cardinal Stritch of Chicago, are still beloved and revered by Catholics, just because they are bishops. I think Stitch knew that Fr. Horne was a perpetrator, so stuck him in the little rural town of Bartlett, literally a whistle stop town on the railroad to Elgin, in 1949, to start a church named after St. Peter Damian.

We know now how the bishops operated in the 1950s-60s. We saw it in the California cases in 2003, and earlier. They put perp priests in Riverside and San Diego and when those towns got to be too big, moved the perps to Santa Barbara. The bishops were the real criminals here, who picked up perpetrator priests and put them in rural parishes where they could continue to perpetrate and no one would say anything, as was the case in rural America up to the 1960s or so, when the advent of Freudian psychology got people talking about sex.

I don't think I have to forgive an entity in the same way you forgive a human, in order to heal. Because the Catholic Church is a non-human thing. The corporations that make up each Archdiocese and their little robe and diamond-gold cross wearing CEO bishops, these are not human beings worthy of forgiveness, these are corporations more concerned with maintaining their cash flow than anything like reconciliation.

Like any corporation, more concerned with covering up the crimes, still to this day, than helping the victims. If I believed the Catholic Church had opened its files and admitted all its crimes, and made restitution with all the victims, maybe I would be ready to talk about forgiveness.

But instead I see fake holy men, with the audacity to argue legally that a religion is an excuse to get away with crimes. The bishops and their lawyers tell courts they don't have to open their files or let prosecutors investigate how they handled their pedophile priests because of the 1st Amendment, their right to freedom of religion?

Add that bonus for Catholics, the priest-penitent privilege, no bishop can EVER tell what they knew, it would anger God himself.... as He created this religion with the priest-penitent privilege.


If a religion includes the need to keep the rape of children secret, it is not what the 1st Amendment was created to protect.
The 1st Amendment does not mean felonies are okay, as long as they are going on in a religious institution, but that is what these bishops and their teams of corporate lawyers have convinced judges and high courts to agree to in rulings.

No. I will not forgive them, and I will make fun of them and laugh at them and point out what hypocrites they are every opportunity I get. It's why I'm here, why I have this twisted sense of humor along with these writing skills, plus the fact that I'm a one of the victims and I'm sick and really can't do much more than clack away at these laptop keys and keep writing.

MOST FRUSTRATING is how truly badly deeply we need Recovery Centers set up specifically for the victims of Catholic pedophile priests. Recovery from these crimes is too complicated and controversial for me to just talk openly about what I'm going through in an open group support meeting.

If I made my Anger Management group that angry suggesting humor in place of forgiveness, when forgiveness is not possible...?

Maybe the group would understand if I told them it was the Catholic bishops who let priests rape me and a hundred thousand other children that I'm refusing to forgive and at whom I'd rather laugh. But I can't talk openly about it in Group unless it's a Group of Catholic priest rape victims. That's how I feel.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's start a natiowide network of support and hold regular meetings.

Don't get me started... here is what they handed out today and...

I need to talk about IT and I can't talk about IT unless there are people around who understand IT!!!

So while the perp priests have now been moved out of parishes and into protective environments- in retreat settings with idyllic views, maid service, and catered meals- one of their crime victimes, ME, is scrabbling around free clinics and nonprofit Christian counseling centers, trying to eke out the help and support that a real church would have gone out of its way to provide its crime victims long ago.

This is all so frigging complicated...

1 comment:

city of angels lady said...

From John Brown in Australia:

Hope again, conned again, abuse of trust again, deceived again, sold spin again.

Embrace their pornographic god, forgive their sexually abusive priests, forgive those who enabled the cover up, forgive those who have assisted the abusers only, trade your well-being and natural drives by repressing your natural outrage at being violated and subsequently denied your natural right to justice, compartmentalize your abuse, internalize your anger, develop and implement, excuses, be an obedient and silent victim, tithe your income to your abusers, aid abet and support child molesters, learn to look the other way, encourage others to do similar, attack those who do not conform and hey presto the abuses continue, women and children raped, justice denied but you are saved as you are Christian or catholic once again and available once again to be exploited again, have your trust abused again by a group of people who are sure that peace, happiness and justice are not available in this life in this world.